Of all the things to cry over...

A ring. My engagement ring. Did I loose it? No. Chewed up in the garbage disposal? Flushed down the toilet? Bartered it for yarn? No. I can't, because I can't pick one out!!

And yes, I'm crying over it. Full blown tears. I could no sooner pick a favorite star in the heaven than choose. They are all lovely. I would love any of them, provided that they come with the same man attached.

I do not care what it costs, so I happen to like an inexpensive stone. Is that really so bad? How much money he spends on me does not tell me how much he loves me. I understand that he wants it to be a perfect ring of my dreams. But here is the truth, in 5-10 years we women won't feel the same way about a shiny and a hunk of metal but we will love the man more than when he gave it to us. It's the thought and surprise behind it. In the end, it's a crystalline structure suspended by metallic fastenings over a wearable structure.

It is a symbol that I belong to one man, that he has my heart and that he belongs to me, and I have his heart. But that is all it is. Even with out it, that connection is there, and THAT is what I care about. I feel that I am letting my sweetie down by not being able to decide. I am sitting here in tears crying, diamond or sapphire? Setting?

He has a friend's friend named Roci in the diamond district of NY. I am getting very close to driving up there to tell him to shut the hell up. He wants to sell a diamond. That is what he does. He does not carry emeralds and sapphires, those aren't his trade, but he could. But really, shouldn't you get your girl a diamond? "It's more bang for your buck!" I'll give you bang, buddy. You know what? I don't care about your buck!

I don't plan on selling it. I plan on wearing it until someone pries it off my cold, dead lifeless body to pass it on to a new generation in the family. What makes a heirloom? One that I wear even if it has a chip of glass in it. Because it is the love and the story behind it that makes it special, not it's monetary worth.

I'll cry a little more. Eat some chocolate ice cream, and flip a coin. Maybe I'll make a mini-ball of cashmere lace weight and affix it to a ring and soak it in varnish. The ultimate knitter's engagement ring!

Cat Toy

Had I known...

So I spent hours crocheting a flower out of copper and silver wire for my hair complete with an orange rhinestone in the center. In the end, it did not resemble a flower so much as a shiny bug.

And there was no way to keep the cat away from it. So I have given up trying, it is her most favoritest toy at the moment and gets carried everywhere she goes. I'm so glad my "talent" isn't wasted.

I need to turn off this computer

Just for a little while. I've been neglecting things. While I managed to do much needed cleaning this weekend, the folded laundry still needs to be put away. I need to really get into my work out program. Or at least start be creating one. I've been spending way too much time staring at the internet looking up wedding stuff. I don't even have a date yet, but I can't seem to stop.

Gerber Daisies and Himalayan Poppies? Amaryllis and blue tinted roses? Saffron Apple Jelly or Mulled Apple Jelly? Cathedral or chapel train? Which intermezzo? Orange platforms or crystal slippers? The choices and decisions are endless. Fortunately, none of my family will say any of my ideas are crazy. (they don't want to put me over the edge)

And the issue with all of this soul/wedding searching to find my "Inner Bride" is that I need to knit. I need to catch up! I need to spin the rest of the yarn for my KAL Mothed sweater so I can start working on it again. I have one glove done and a sock, waiting for their pairs. I have the kimono from hell. While it looks simple in only feather and fan stitch, when you are mid way up the back and going 225 stitches across and still increasing, it is really hard not to accidentally kicked under the couch.

But I need to spin and I need to knit. And i need to get focused and stop day-dreaming of chiffon and satin. At least until after this weekend.

"Wait, why aren't you a basket case?"

Easy: Planning. I actually like to do it. I'm good at it. I've spent most of my adult life doing just that for companies. I plan, put out fires and meet the goal. I'm VERY good at it. That's how I earned those pesky job titles like "Director of Operations."

Planning I'm good at. The unexpected and unknown is what gets me. Seeing vague shapes in the ether looming is what gets me. Once an unexpected happens, I can deal with it. It's the waiting and unknown. I like to say that I prefer to be proactive, but the truth is I feel more in control of a situation when I can plan, coordinate and aim for the goal.

In the future, I know that event A will happen. But before event A can happen, items 1-45 need to be done or arranged. Parts of 1-45 can be done before even knowing when event A will take place. Good, I can work with that. And working on that takes my focus away from things I can't control. I can control somethings, I can plan. I can execute. With enough planning, I can make things happen that you would be amazed of. Things you wouldn't think possible.

I've done it before, so just watch me....

The meaning of friendship

People, folks, and persons unknown all have different definitions of the meaning of friendship.

"Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:
* The tendency to desire what is best for the other
* Sympathy and empathy
* Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
* Mutual understanding and compassion
* Trust in one another (able to express feelings - including in relation to the other's actions - without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
* Positive reciprocity - a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties

You have to love when people try to define emotions. By their nature, they are undefinable in any form other than the simple word used to describe them. Primarily because they are as unique to an individual as fingerprints. No two people will agree on what the definition of an emotional term is because we all feel something different. That makes us people. Humans.

Now, some have said in recent years that the quality of friendship has been declining. With the quantity of "friends" increasing. Constant phone calls, text messages and social networking sites may have helped people connect, but the value of some of these friendships seems to have declined. Most of us speak to some people everyday but that does not mean that they fit the role of friend.

I admit that my personality and busy lifestyle means that I do not get to call people often. And lets face it, I can be downright flaky in forgetting. But I have never been a chatter. I have never numbered my friends in quantity and I did not realize that for some people require that for friendship. The sad truth is then, I am not the friend for them. But that does not mean that I don't believe in the value of friendship.

For me, friendship exists beyond phone calls and text messages. Beyond meaningless email jokes sent around the world. Friendship is what makes you concerned to ask if there is anything wrong. Friendship makes you help when a friend needs it. A friend is a friend regardless of time, space and distance. The Roman philosopher Cicero believed that in order to have a true friendship with someone, one must have complete honesty, truth, and trust. He also thought that friends would do things for each other without expectation of repayment.

But then, Cicero didn't have a cell phone.