It's been a hell of a day, and I've just been a spectator. Which I really think is worse. I would much rather be able to DO something than not. Today, I felt fear.
Real fear. I haven't had that in a while. Not simple anxiety or panic because I've ran out of milk. Not an irrational reaction to a lost file. I know about these. I know my anxiety will trip to the edge for no good stinking reason. I can pull it back from that. I KNOW what's happening. I get milk, do yoga, knit a few rows and the world eventually rights its self. Or my perspective of it slaps it's self in the face. And I don't mean being merely afraid. People who say they aren't afraid of anything are lying or have no imaginations. This was not being afraid of the boogie men.
This was different. This was rational fear. This was a fear of a real threat. Real fear awakens primitive instincts. It brings us all to basic level that cares nothing for our job title, money we make, opera tickets we hold, or who's elbows we rub. Multiple degrees and higher education fly right out the window. We are all capable doing what needs to be done to survive. We instinctively feel fear when something threatens our safety, security and happiness. We protect what we hold most sacred from danger. It's in our nature.
So, it's been hard to focus on anything other than my fear. Just now, the shock of the fear is passing. Trying to make poor jokes to lighten the mood, knowing the worst is most likely over (but the frickin' tinder box could explode at any time). I admit I broke into the "emergency bag" of M n M's at work. The fear is still there. And bad.
The fear has been so bad, I haven't been able to even knit!
All my love and prayers.Em