The Albatross

For 1 1/2 years I have been working on a cardigan for my sister. I started calling it my Albatross. Now, I bought the pattern and then got the yarn that the pattern called for. Not a normal behavior for me. I knitted a swatch or two and had to adjust needle size to get the gauge. Again, not normal behavior. I followed the directions. So out of character. But I would have a beautiful gift in the end, right?

My main issue has been decoding the pattern. Several people have assisted me in this endeavor over the past year and a half. People who are fr more experienced knitters than myself. Women who can whip out a sweater while sitting in a theater watching a movie. Women who know the proper way to read charts, patterns and knit like they took classes at a university for it. And they all came to the same conclusion:

This patterns sucks!

(stronger language was used in most cases)

I had bought the correct yarn, and found perfect pewter buttons the size that the pattern called for. (guess what, it needed larger buttons.)

But still, I continued on this torturous quest. The cardigan move from being a birthday present to a Christmas present. To being a Birthday present again. To now, no longer mattering because my sister has lost weight and now would be swimming in the thing should she try it on. But it will get finished because someone will wear this thing. Me or someone.

But finally, last night after a late night run to WalMart to get buttons, it is done. I washed it this morning and it is blocking as we speak and drying. It is not one hundred percent symmetrical, and the buttons pull at the border which it does in the picture, so that one is definitely not my fault. But it's done. I have my large project case back. I can tic a WIP off the list (there by allowing me to cast on 2 new projects).

It may never be worn, but it is done.

Dear Yarn Maker,

I was excited when I saw your yarn. It comes in a ball which works perfectly with my yarn bowl, and I like using it. When I saw the example picture on the tag of how it knits up I was thrilled.

It blends gradually from color to color and back again. Smooth transition with no abrupt lines. Perfect for what I had in mind! I wanted to make socks for a guy. We all know the difficulties here. Must be un-obtrusive in colorway and design. Lets face it. I know very few men who would be willing to wear funky socks (except if the funky was the last pair before the wash that didn't make your eyes water).

So, your gradual blend of white to gray to black seemed perfect! Realistically, only a few inches of socks show when a guy is wearing them with pants. Which ever color shows would be acceptable. I just need to make sure to line up the colors on the two socks. Since I got 2 balls of yarn, this shouldn't have been a problem. Maybe I should have read some of the reviews.

Far enough into the sock, there was a small, loose knot. Now the knot pulled apart quickly and if I hadn't been watching the furry person out of the corner of my eye, I wouldn't have seen it. The cat loves to watch the yarn spin in the bowl in a mesmerized trance, but occasionally she grabs.

For this reason I was keeping an eye on here movements. If I hadn't been, I wouldn't have noticed that the mill had tied two colors together. Not even an attempt at splicing. White, stop, gray. Not even trying to line up colors. Opps! And then I read some reviews.

Apparently, this is something that has happened with out fail to other knitters. Complaining of the same thing. If I was making socks for a small child, this may not have been an issue. But socks for a full grown, large guy on a time line makes it a frustrated f-it issue. Because I'm screwed. It is too late to start a new pair of socks. There is no way to fix it, short of un-winding both balls of yarn in their entirety and hoping that I can splice bits and parts, breaks and shifts into the continuous colorway shift that I thought I was purchasing.

Which I don't have time for. So, for the nice thoughtful going away gift I had in mind, he is going to get some bazaar block and shift pair of socks. And there is no way that they will match. No possible way to line up the colors. I shudder to think of what the second ball will be like.

So curse on you yarn maker for your fraudulent promises of ormbre socks. I know that the only place Secret Agent man will wear these is the couch while he is watching news from around the world to discover where he must fight crime next. But my socks will not go with him when he goes to catch the criminals. They will not protect him or be his lucky socks. Because MenInBlack can't wear socks that look like a Picasso while on duty. My socks will be couch socks.

Really expensive, couch socks. Maybe I should turn your fraudulent promises over to him for prosecution, because as you swindle knitters and crocheters, you are breaking the law and hearts of all those who have bought in to your false promises.

Shame on you!

The socks I don't want to knit

I don't want to knit these socks. Not because they are a boring color, crappy yarn, or anything along those lines. I bought the yarn months ago knowing exactly what I was making and who I was making it for. And why.

A very special friend will be leaving soon due to work. Communication would be at best, intermittent and eventually we will lose touch all together. I know this. I've known this since the on-set. There will literally be oceans between us. Not so bad you say? There is always the internet. Except where he will be, it is not feasible.

I am going to make him socks to take with him as a memento of our time spent together. And as a joke, since where he will be, wool socks would be ridiculous and utterly un-usable.

So I bought the yarn. I picked out the pattern. I even managed to do a swatch. I got feet measurements.

And I have continued to put it off. Because that would mean we are getting closer to that day. The one involving the airport. But time is officially starting to count down. And finally I cast on the sock.

And it is now real. He will be leaving, on my birthday, taking a piece of my heart with him. And a pair of wool socks that will be knitted with my love, blocked with my tears and always carry a part of me. A bit of knitting magic to keep him safe and loved on his adventures.

EEWWWEEE!

So after a year of living in this rental house and scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors on a regular basis and not managing to get it to look clean in the slightest, I have decided to take drastic measures. This was one of those things were I knew before I even attempted it, it was going to be a sitcom episode.

I decided what I really needed to do was to strip the floors, re-seal them and re-wax/finish. This process would remove all the years of really bad grime and mop n glo from the no-wax vinyl floors. I decided to start small and do the bathroom first. Here are some things that I learned about stripping the floor in your ONE AND ONLY bathroom:

Make sure your neighbor is home, knows the circumstances and it isn't midnight when you do this.

Make sure that you watch what you eat for the day. Excessive dried fruit and caffeine should be avoided.

Girls, check your calendars to see if Aunt Flo might possibly be visiting!!

The next day, start extra early with the kitchen. 4 hours of sleep is plenty. Remeber that it is only 3 steps. Strip, seal, finish. Easy. HA!

First of all, for the kitchen I had to strip twice. I have to say that washing fresh raw wool was less disgusting and had cleaner wash water than stripping the floor. Both times. It was black. I almost tossed my cookies. I clean the floor every 2 weeks with good old fashioned pinesol detergent or straight bleach. This muck was from layers of dirt that the previous tenants just waxed over.

While it does look better, let me say this: Did I really think I was going to un-earth marble? The vinyl is not a color or pattern I would choose and nothing will make that to my liking, no matter how clean. The dark marks around the toilet did not come up one bit and after examination I understand why. The are not the result of paint, dye or water/mold damage. They are burn marks. My therory is the former disgusting hick tenants at one point blew up the toilet and it was replaced with out replacing the flooring.

I'm not actually surprised about this.

A Snake, a Sock, a Mailbox and a Flip-Flop

Everyone has a special talent. I have one friend who can recycle anything, one who can turn garbage into art, one who makes everyone feel thought of, one who can make you giggle, and one who can organize the next Super Bowl with out breaking a sweat.

My special talent? I can turn every-day, ordinary tasks into a comedic sequence that screen writers couldn't dream up. Really.

Today for example: I slipped on work flip-flops, put on my new hat, grabbed my iPod and a sock that I'm knitting and went to get the mail.

You see, I need to practice walking and knitting at the same time for the upcoming charity walk that I am participating in. I thought a walk to the mailbox would be good practice. So I walked along the gravel drive at work to the mailbox, enjoying the day, listening to my ipod and knitting my sock. Blissfully unaware of the upcoming danger.

I reach the mailbox, and with one hand holding my knitting, use my free hand to open the door to get the mail.

Well, I really can't blame the snake as he was just trying to enjoy the sun before the storms rolled in, and looking for a place to shelter down when they would come. I can't blame the mailman for not shutting the mailbox all the way tight as it is a new mailbox and he is still getting used to having a door on it at all. And I certainly can't blame the other inanimate objects involved as the flip-flop did not intentionally jump off my foot, the sock did not intentionally mean to unravel, tangling around me.

But there I was by the side of the road, startled out of one shoe, forgetting I had knitting in my hand, hopping on one foot, scooping up the dropped shoe while keeping shoeless foot(and leg) in the air, wrapped up in yarn due to some bizarre pirouette that got the yarn hooked onto the mailbox and me, trying to keep my hat on, taking the loose flip-flop and banging the hell out of the side of the mailbox while trying not to fall over in an attempt to scare a pathetic little garden snake all the way out of the mailbox and away. All the while cars are passing watching my "snake dance". Time span: less that 1 minute.

You know that snake took one look at the crazy lady and "ran" for it.

Memo for next 3 day weekend

For any future three day weekends I have, no guests unless they have their own lodging or are willing to do something of mutual interest. The weekend started okay with weeding and an art festival that got cut a bit short.

It then turned to hell in a hand basket. With a side of torture and a helping of becoming a social outcast.

It got better when I did finally get to escape my "house guests" and attend a friend's bbq where I could knit, cry, knit, act goofy, laugh, knit and actually be accepted and loved for being myself. It didn't hurt that my friends, upon hearing the drama, determined that I was normal and being nice and considerate and the other party needs extensive therapy.

God, I love my friends!

So, some worlds I have been forbidden to walk in. Fortunately, I have my world. With knitting, chocolate, shoulders to cry on, hands to pull me up, and friends who are more dear to me than they will ever know.

My world ROCKS!

I give up.

On the Lace stole?

No.

The Albatross Sweater?

No.

Being a good little employee?

Yep!

The top two items have been driving me bananas for quite some time. And, truth be told, so has the third.

Here's the thing that is making me nuts. I have been painstakingly following the instructions on the patterns so that they will come out absolutely perfect for my sister. The Albatross is no longer going to be worn by her, but it will still go to a good home. After all, it's not mine or the sweater's fault that my sister lost weight and now looks like a skinny leggy super-model. Why punish the sweater? So it will go to a good home elsewhere.

The stole has a long time to be completed. Since I am currently only working on the prototype that I will be wearing, I am using it as a learning experience so when I do make her stole, I won't be screaming and cursing at it, thus imbuing it with negative vibes.

I'm being patient. I'm following the rules. These are good things correct? I should at least get a pat on the head, if not a cookie.

At my job, I pointed out some discrepancies between two reports. I didn't say anything, one way or another. Just let the boss know that perhaps things aren't adding up and he might want to keep an eye on things. He asked another employee why his report was so different from the system's.

The other employee basically threatened me. That I "better watch it." And that he was going to "mess with my shit." I should "fucking stay out of (his) business".

I relied the conversation and my ensuing concerns with my boss and he basically told me to just play nice and "(I) have to just figure out how to work with (the other employee)"

???!!!!

So, if my mutilated body is found in a ditch somewhere, or I seemed to have over dosed on pesticides, or ran over with a bob cat or lawnmower, I'm posting this blog so that at least my parents will know that I wasn't suicidal, wouldn't get in front of a huge nasty piece of equipment willingly, or put my person in danger in any other way.

I was actually just doing my job.